I am bored, restless, uninspired. I'm stuck and discouraged. My ambition is faltering but somewhere there is an inkling of grandness. I miss my old roommate ange. She was so engaging and luminous-nearly metaphysical. It was an impractical way of living that would sometimes frustrate the fuck out of me, but more often I would become completely hijacked by her light and illusions.
So the current issue berating my mind, besides the usual nose job fantasies and rob-regrets, is Justin. We "broke up" although he is getting way more sex out of me now that we're "just friends". Am I the only one whose drive becomes nearly non-existent as soon as words like commitment, boyfriend or relationship come into the picture? Seriously, will marriage ever be on my landscape or am I just immature? Whatever, all my life I've been trying to evade aging. Even as a kid, I remember refusing to wear a bra, deodorant or even properly dealing with my period in a desperate attempt to defy puberty.
For real. So questions have been pestering me in my current state of perpetual adolescence- particularly what next? Maybe I can take a lead from Ange and ask the universe for help. So there it is, universe? help?
Ick...I'm upset. My plans for tonight completely fell through, so now I'm stuck at home with only the internet for company. I actually completely forgot that I even started one of these, hence the mid february archive. Justin's coming over which I'm ambivalent about, I figure that if I'm not doing what I originally wanted too then I should at least paint or something. I'm in a rut lately, I have all these creative, inspiring ambitions but feel limited by time, money and lack of technique but I'm certainly not doing anything about it. Current Mood: disappointed
So here it goes, I've finally succumbed to the allure of the livejournal, more for its use as a somewhat anonymous sound board if anything. I probably shouldn't be starting at this moment considering I have to wake up in less than six hours, but I'm fueled by after eight martinis, a condolence prize for arriving too late for the sold out poetry slam contest in commercial drive. Ah well, until next monday. It was nice seeing my lovely olivia anyhow.